A Note to Readers – It might help to know that this post is an expansion of my thoughts from an article posted 12/24/23 on Chip Conley’s wonderful website, The Modern Elder Academy in his Wisdom Well blog. If you have come from that post or have arrived here by intention or accident, “Welcome!”  You will find the “expanded content” in bold below. 

When it comes to our sexual wellness, some of us expect our partners to meet all our needs. Why is this so? And is it realistic…especially over a decades-long relationship? If your marriage has lost its fire, why is that? Monogamy is a complicated construct and can be a challenging path to navigate in long-lasting marriages and relationships.

Even my opening line, “some of us expect our partners to meet all of our needs,” is not a thought you hear often expressed in everyday conversation, even though our sexuality is a primal part of who we are as healthy humans. Why is this challenging to talk about, let alone navigate a path that feels safe?

In the popular series White Lotus, a Season Two sub-plot is a behavioral study of two marriages. Two ultra-successful, heterosexual couples are vacationing in Italy with adjoining suites at a swanky Sicilian hotel. Harper, wife number one, thinks she and husband, Ethan have a better marriage than the neighboring couple, Cameron and wife Daphne, whose marriage is less traditional and with an apparently vibrant sex life.  Envious of Cameron and Daphne’s sexual intimacy, and dissatisfied with her own sexless marriage, Harper says to Ethan “We are too young to be this old.”

When Harper delivers her line, I felt her sadness, her regret, perhaps even a sense of, “there has to be more….”

We watch the unfolding sexual tension in the two White Lotus marriages with rapt attention, yet we often lack the skills to deal with such issues in our own relationships. Some of us remain in an unfulfilling union rather than embark on an unknown journey that could ultimately lead to positive changes within the relationship. When was the last time you had an intimate discussion with your partner or frank discussion with your primary care physician (PCP) about sexual wellness?  Why does this discussion seem off-limits?  If we are truly “modern elders,” we need to recognize sexual wellness as an integral part of our life’s journey.

Yes, Let’s Talk About Sexual Health

An Important Note – For some relationships, sexual wellness has been an off-limits subject, and it can be challenging to even open the door. There are many trained therapists standing by to assist, if you feel this is something best navigated with a professional.

 

I recently was assigned a new primary care physician. I was somewhat surprised when he said, “would you like to discuss your sexual health now?” I am 72 years old and I don’t ever remember a PCP asking me this question? I said, “Well I’m not very active but, heck yes, let’s talk about my sexual health and wellness.” Dr. Safdar opened up a document and began asking me a series of intimate questions about my sexual history and current sexual practices.

I’ve experienced two MEA Baja workshops and neither of them dealt with sex or sexual wellness as a group discussion. We certainly explored important personal growth topics designed to add clarity, meaning, and wisdom to our lives as Modern Elders. Topics included emotional, spiritual, and intellectual curiosity, our relationship with society and money and the feeling of worthiness, asking ourselves how much money is enough, and if money could talk…what would it say about you?

While one-on-one, side-conversations are bound to occur at workshops like this, even in the safest room, it seems rare for group discussions to wade into deep sharing, openness, and vulnerability around sexual topics.

I wonder about the potential for “more” within the synergistic environment of a group. In what ways could our experience of sexual wellbeing, fulfillment, healing, desire, or intimacy expand as we prioritize direct conversation of these topics within the group setting?

What opportunity is there to cultivate awareness, build vocabulary, practice speaking aloud words we may find difficult to say? It is one thing to create the space for conversation, another to fully engage. How willing am I to step into that space?

Perhaps our capacity for honest, candid conversation is best developed in smaller groups. Your thoughts?

For Your Consideration

We are sexual beings, and surely sex is as integral to our lives as money. If we are to attain wisdom as sexual beings with healthy and vibrant sexual relationships, we need to ask questions, have frank discussions, and use all the resources available to us to enhance our sexual experiences. I suggest we add sexual wellness to the discussion of our lives as Modern Elders and consider the following questions. 

  • How is your sexual relationship with your partner?
  • If sex is less frequent than you desire, what options exist?
  • Have you been intimate with anyone beyond your primary relationship?
  •  Have you had a discussion with your PCP about your sexual wellness?
  • If your path is a solo one, how do you maximize your sexual wellness? What might be there to explore or discover?
  • What conversations do I find difficult to have even with myself? Can I allow for the possibility for that to change?
  •  In what ways has the concept of intimacy changed as I have matured? How do I recognize intimacy when I have it?
  •  Have I acknowledged (to myself and/or my partner) any specific experience, belief, or trauma that may inform the current experience of my sexuality? If it feels important, where might I find the support to safely explore this?
  •  How has sexual fulfillment evolved for me and have I communicated this to my partner? What do I really desire via a sexual relationship at this point in my life?
  •  Have I asked my partner about the ways in which their fulfillment or desire may have changed? How do we support one another and grow into any changes that occur?
  •  In what ways might I hold back expressing or receiving to the fullest?
  •  How do I ask for what I want/prefer, and can I discuss this detail with my partner? In what ways could I build more facility around this? Would I like support around this? What might that look like?
  • What have I surrendered that I’d like to consider re-claiming now? How important is this for me to explore? Where could I start?

Why is it challenging to have these conversations? What might we learn?

An Invitation to Start a Conversation

An Important Note – If starting a conversation like this takes you into new territory or covers subject-matter previously considered off-limits, please take care. I encourage you create all the support you require in order to be safe as you proceed. It may be best to navigate this with a professional. Please trust your instinct, err on the side of caution, and add that layer of support as needed. 

 

When you are ready to proceed, consider asking ONE of the questions above as a conversation-starter with your partner. You can keep it light. This is just a conversation between you; it doesn’t mean you are acting on these feelings. You are simply giving each other permission to express your authentic feelings; this is when true intimacy occurs.

Please remember, a “relationship or partner” is not a pre-requisite. Ultimately, we are each in a relationship with OURSELF. As we explore these questions and acknowledge and understand the answers within the context of our relationship with ourselves, we can more successfully navigate these waters within a partnership.

Remember you are living life to the fullest when you engage in difficult conversations.

 

 

A special and very heart-felt note of appreciation to Chip Conley of The Modern Elder Academy for inviting me to share  an excerpt of this post on his Wisdom Well blog. Spending much of his time at MEA retreat center in Todo Santos, Mexico, Chip is an entrepreneur and advocate for the value of wisdom that comes with age. He is an American hotelier, foundation builder, grant maker, author and speaker, who is also on the board of Burning Man. 

Rocky Blumhagen, Modern Elder Academy (MEA) Alum 28 Degrees and Deep River. Oxford Next Horizons Scholar. Stanford DCI, Class of 2019 is a yoga and mindfulness practitioner. To read more about Rocky – Click Here

Read more of Rocky’s posts on Chip Conely’s Wisdom Well blog.